Confused.....

OK, so I know I keep going on about how much I wanna come out, and how much I want a boyfriend........ well I've been thinking recently. OK, today. Well, for the last 20 minutes or so.

Cos it's my 'brother''s birthday today. And Happy Birthday to him as well. And anybody who reads this regularly (who am I kidding - the one person who reads this regularly) will know that he's not my brother, and will also know that I have a bit of a thing for him. I'm in love with him, I'm not afraid to admit it. And I think (hope) he knows that I am as well. And he's cool with it, he doesn't mind, cos at the end of the day, he's straight,  I'm gay, we both know that I'm never gonna be able to fuck him. But he's the only person I feel like myself around - him and his family. I can be who I am around them, without fear of being stereotyped, or abused, or bullied..... they're like the family I never had.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still love my Mum, no matter how much she annoys or embarrasses me. But right now I find my family really stressful, and his family so awesomely relaxed, and relaxing. I can talk to his mum and her boyfriend about anything I want to, and have a laugh about it, and not worry about Mum not understanding me, or taking it all too seriously, like she always does. Her parents aren't exactly the most relaxing and easy-going people to be around (hell, they argue about which one of them is going to die first, how sick is that?), and my Aunts and their husbands are just so stressful to be around. One of them knows everything better and has to constantly correct you in front of friends and family and total strangers, making you just want to melt away into the realm of the non-existing, while the other has to know where everybody is and what every movement is, while at the same time complaining that her part time job in a shop is too stressful for her on top of walking four dogs, feeding them, taking them to the vets at the first sign of a minuscule cough, and making sure the cat is inside between this time and that time. If that's stress, I'd have that any day....

So yeah, my family don't particularly excite me right now. Maybe it's a phase, I don't know, but if it is a phase, then it's been going on for a long time now.

So I feel at home at his house. I feel welcome and comfortable when I'm at his house. Perhaps to the extent, where I'm now thinking I've attached myself too much to him, because I know that he'll never ask me out, except as a joke when he's had a few beers, or as a dare amongst friends. And I know that if I ask him out he'll say no anyway. But I don't think I'd be happy with anyone else BUT him...... so why should I have to come out? I know that if when I come out, my chances of finding a boyfriend are increased massively, but I know that I won't ever be happy with the boyfriend, whoever he is, because he isn't HIM.

Does that sound really obsessive?

Probably.

I think maybe he's cottoned on to the fact that I like him in that way, and is trying to distance himself a little from me.... I just sent him a text to say Happy Birthday, only a few seconds after I wrote on his wall on Facebook to say the same thing, and he replied to say thanks, he'll check Facebook when he gets home, he's not at home. I can't help but feel a little rejected, that he doesn't want me. It hurts to think that he chose to spend his Birthday with somebody else other than me.... again. He didn't want me there last year either. I take some comfort in the fact knowing that last year, he spent his birthday alone, with his sister, his mum and her boyfriend. Although, maybe that was the best thing for him at the time, he was feeling quite depressed for his 16th....

Now, my rational, reasonable half of my brain is telling me that most of what I've just said is a load of bullshit. Of all the people he invited to his celebratory lunch on Wednesday, I was the only one he asked to come earlier than everybody else and asked to sleep over. Which of course I did. I also have no idea where he is and who he's with - for all I know his mum took him somewhere nice for a 'last day of being 16 dinner' and is on his way back; he never actually told me he was at a friend's house. Maybe he's spending his birthday with his dad (poor soul), who doesn't live with him or his mum after he was disloyal, or something like that. And I know he must think of me as someone close, because he told me so when he was at mine, and he poured his little heart out to me when he realised he'd missed an opportunity with a girl he liked. He doesn't do that, he doesn't pour his heart out to anybody who isn't family....

OK, interruption, some guy just posted on his wall to say happy birthday - nice to see you again. My rational half of my brain is telling me that this dude is one of his mum's friends (it would be logical to assume that, since the wall post also mentions something about his mum), but my irrational half of my brain is telling me that he's a friend from his new school that he's chosen to spend his birthday with, rather than me. I know that sounds really selfish, but he's my world, he's the only thing that means anything to me, apart from maybe my music, my pets and mum.

Interruption over.... where was I?

Meh, I can't remember, I lost my trail of thought. I think of things faster than I can type them, half of what I was going to say in this post I forgot before it reached my fingers.

There's a Facebook page, on one of the quote portals (and I know it's terrible to judge anything by a Facebook page) about the signs of falling in love. I read through them and thought that if those signs are true, then I am most definitely more than just in love with him.... It's something like this:

7 Signs of Falling in Love
1. You read his texts over and over again
2. You walk really slowly while you're with him.
3. He is all you can think about.
4. You get high just by smelling him.
5. You realise that you're always smiling when you think of him.
6.You would do anything for him.
7. While reading this, he was on your mind for the whole time.

I didn't like it, because I thought it crude, but all seven of those points are true for me. I'm going somewhere with this.... I just need to think of where....

*sigh*

I think I basically wanted to vent my confusion and say (in a very long winded manner, it has to be said) that what's the point in coming out, if the only boyfriend I might actually end up with, I can never love as much as I love my 'brother'...?

If you want to know how confused I think I am right now, this post took me the best part of an hour to formulate and write.... *sigh*

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Meh.

Wow, sorry I've taken ages to post, been really busy with school lately. I think I'll just post one massive long catch-up...

Sunday
Spent the evening with my awesome 'brother', watched lots of Doctor Who and ate tonnes of Cheesecake. I had to hide with him in my room after the Spaniard was brought back to us by his proper partner who's a bit of a dick and the definition of homophobe..... the partner and his mum stayed for the best part of 2 hours.... I wasn't best pleased with that, but then again, all the more time to be alone with my bro. (For anybody who's new to my life, read the Who's Who page before making something weird out of that.... we're not biologically related. I'm an only child, and my 'brother' is actually the most awesomest friend ever ♥. Cos it's just really disturbing to want to date and have sex with and eventually marry your biological brother). 

Monday - Valentines' Day
Spent it practically all with my 'brother', despite most of it being at school in an all day rehearsal for a concert on Wednesday. Yeah, that was basically it, aside from that, it was probably the most depressing Valentine's Day ever. Maybe next year I'll have someone to be with then....

Tuesday
It seemed like February was just one of those months where everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. Twice. I'd had the worst driving lesson ever (seriously, more stalls than my first ever lesson, and my foot just wouldn't come off the accelerator when I changed gear....) and my piano lesson was shit as well - my fingers weren't doing what my brain was telling them to do, and my brain wasn't telling them to do what the music was telling it to tell my fingers.... or something like that. And to top that off, one of my Physics teachers called Mum to ask her to tell me to get a move on and do my overdue homeworks. She overreacted, so did I, now neither of as are talking a lot to each other.

It was also the day of the election for Head Boy and Girl.... well, see Thursday for that.

Wednesday - Concert Night
Possibly the best day of the week, despite the fact that the Spaniard was still living with us. The concert went well (we performed the song in the video at the bottom of this post) and Mum (who was talking to me only because my bro was here), my brother, the Spaniard and had a Chinese, before me and him went upstairs to finish Doctor Who. I was far too tired and ended up using his shoulder as a pillow for part of The Hungry Earth, much to my excitement. I don't think he minded though....

For some reason, we went to bed then... I think it was because I was tired, but then we got talking and didn't actually fall asleep until 4am.... We were talking about guys and girls, I think. I asked him what the best way to come out was, he didn't know. He asked me what the best way to get a girlfriend was, I didn't know. He asked me what my ideal boyfriend would be like, and I told him he knew the answer..... him. So yeah, it kinda carried on like that, till one of us fell asleep at 4.... then he woke me up at 8 - he whacked me accidentally ;) It was another episode of Doctor Who after that.... Then he went home, and I went to school.

Thursday
Election results from Head Boy came out on Thursday.... no surprise, they didn't vote for either of the two gay candidates. Not that I'm out yet, but you know what I mean. It's the principle. I go to school with a load of homophobic twats. As far as I can remember, there wasn't really an awful lot else on Thursday.....

Friday
Meh. It started well, ended not so well....

The good part was that I finally managed to hand in my composition, very nearly complete, to a deadline that I kept. I think it was the first deadline I've managed to keep to in my entire school career. I just need to hand in (and start and finish and everything that comes in between) a written statement to go with it, and then that's one composition done and dusted. Only two to go.

And then came the Physics. Again. My silly little teacher, (in every sense of the word - he's about 2 foot nothing) was getting impatient and went to the head of Sixth Form to ask me for the homework... I said I was still working on it - he'd asked for as much as possible before we break up. Bear in mind, we still had a good four hours left at school. Then there was the problem of finding a room to actually get started on the work (You can imagine, I didn't have much time to do school work this week, cos I was too busy having an awesome time with my awesome 'brother'). I got depressed, wasted an hour, and gave up, realising that I didn't have the worksheet with me to do the work. I couldn't exactly go and find him and ask for it, since I was meant to have done it in the first place.

Once I finally got a sheet, it took me the best part of two hours to get as much as I could done, but it was so bloody hard, I couldn't even get past the Level 3 questions before I gave up.... :(

And that brings me to the weekend just gone, which was utterly dull and uneventful. Though I'm going for a sleepover at my bro's on Wednesday!! :D



You know, it's weeks like that where you just wonder if your life is just a total dream..... :/
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Depression

*sigh* I'm in one of those lows, one of those times when everything and anything about anyone seems to annoy me to the point of pissing me off enough to make me retreat into my room and feel depressed. Waterloo Road didn't help either.

I'm still largely in the closet, and I'm still most definitely single. Both of those are severely depressing. *is depressed*. It doesn't help much when I iPlayer Waterloo Road to find Josh and Nate getting it off with one another. A little part of me died when I saw it, to be replaced by the most intense rush of jealousy and impatience. How hard can it be? How difficult is it just to either say "I'm Gay" or just wear that stupid wristband and say "yes" if anybody asks if it's a Gay Pride wristband. Obviously, very hard. Why?! I want to come out, I want people to know, I want to be open! But I just find it so god damn bloody difficult....

Me and my brother both feel like that though (he's sadly not gay, but we both want someone). I want someone who I can enjoy myself with, not feel awkward around, someone who's funny and entertaining, and has similar tastes in music and clothes and film and everything to me. Looks aren't that important to me right now, since I'm not exactly a looker myself. Though I'm frequently told I am, if I were to lose some weight. Which I'm not really trying to do right now, given my current state of depression. :( One day I'll settle down with the right guy and be happy, and not have to worry about annoying things....

Like Mum. Mum's really annoying me right now. I don't know if it's just my perception of her that's changing and that she's still the same person, or if she as a person is changing into someone that's more annoying than she used to be. Everything she does at the moment seems to annoy me a little..... her impatience, her occasional selfishness, her talkativeness, her driving off in the mornings before the windscreen has demisted and not able to see a thing...... would that not annoy you? Aside from it being very scary when you suddenly realise that the driver is effectively driving blind. :/

My Oboe and Bassoon arrived yesterday though. I have no idea how to put the Bassoon together, and can only just manage a C Major scale and something which vaguely resembles Titanic on the Oboe. Baby steps.

Hmm.

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The Night-before-nerves

OK, so my Head Boy campaign speech thing is tomorrow, and I've just had to blitz a speech. :S I sound really big-headed in it, but I think I get my point across, and having seen who I'm up against, there are only really two other plausible candidates, one of whom is gay too. So there might be a gay Head Boy and a gay Deputy Head boy. Anyway. I'm rambling.

I'm now really really really nervous and kinda shitting myself, but this is the last thing I can do properly before next Tuesday, when the Sixth Form goes to the polls. *eek* That sounded less threatening in my head than it did typed.

I'm used to public speaking and presentations and speeches, but most of them are usually just improvised as and when I make them. They usually go fine. But this means too much to just improvise it all..... maybe that's why I'm so nervous? Because I've prepared it and now think that there are potential pitfalls where I could go wrong.....

Ah, I dunno. I'll sleep on it. Maybe it'll all be fine in the morning. I hope.....
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Why does nobody LISTEN?!?!?!?!?!

You know, sometimes I feel like I'm just constantly talking to a brick wall. Nobody ever takes notice of what I say. Nobody ever believes what I say. It's not as if I just make things up as I go along. Let's all ignore Liam, cos he's always wrong. Let's all ignore Liam, cos he makes things up. That's what the world says about me, behind my back, when I'm not looking. Let's all forget about Liam, cos he doesn't matter and he's gay.

Yeah, so what?

You're probably thinking "what's the matter now? Who's made homophobic remarks again...?" Well, nobody has. I'm just in one of those funny moods, particularly with my Mum, strangely enough. Either I'm just going through a phase, or she is, but she seems really difficult lately. She gets all defensive and upset the SECOND I don't do exactly as she asks. She has this amazing ability to make you feel totally guilty and worthless, and I hate feeling that way. Really, I do. But then she also gets pissed off if I'm a little short tempered (which I was today, I admit). She gets short tempered as well, but I don't turn around and shout "Hey... why are you using this tone of voice," whilst herself using quite a whiney and aggressive tone of voice.

Like today, on the way home from the station. My exchange partner wanted to know how to get from the town centre to the cinema... which bus she needed, where to get off, etc. Fair enough, right? So I told her, you need this and this bus, to that and that place, and it'll cost you so many pounds. She didn't need to worry about where to get off - the bus finishes where she needs to get off. And Mum just embarrasses me and decides to say "No, it's not, they're different places." I'm sitting there, FOUR times I've told her that the bus finishes there, you can't go any further on that bus without going back the way you came. End of the Line. All Change. And I'm sitting there, like, "Mum, the bus. Finishes. There." And she got really defensive about the way I spoke to her, when I categorically told her - I've been there, the bus finsihes there."

WHY DOES NOONE BELIEVE ME??????

That seems pretty petty, and trivial, and I bet you're all thinking I'm making mountains out of molehills, but it really pisses me off... :(
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Pinch, punch, first of the month

January's finally over. It seemed like the longest January EVER, though also a relatively successful one. Still single, despite all that, but progress has been made. That day when I came out to India, Lisa and Akiko will be a landmark day for the rest of my life. This month will be the month I come out of the closet (though I think I'll leave it until after the Head Boy elections), and then I have all if the rest if 2011 to find myself a boyfriend.

So no pressure then..........

January stats
New years resolutions started: 1
Moments of slight depression: at least 20
People successfully come out to: 3
Total people out to: 5 (including Mum)
Jaffa-Cakes consumed: about 30 in the last day...
Total calories consumed: bleh, not worth thinking about.
Head Boy nominations: 1 (I'd be very concerned if I was told I was nominated for mire than 1 Head Boy positions...)
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