2011: Progress (or not)

Number of boyfriends gained, then lost after a fatal misjudgement of his character: 1
Number of people out to: enough
Number of declined threesome offers: 1
Number of accepted threesome offers: 0
Drunk and meaningless kisses: 1
Weight difference: probably + too many kgs
University offers: 1
Driving tests passed: 2
Cars bought: 0
New instruments learnt: 1
House moves: 1
New Years Resolutions completed: 1
New Years Resolutions not started: 4
Average stress level: 1.000.000%
Alcohol consumed: not enough
Hangovers: too many
Lottery wins: 0
Panic attacks: 1

All in all, a rather depressing lack of anything. It's as if these past 12 months have been the most pointless and uneventful in the history of history. They have been full of nothing but mistakes and procrastination, so here's to the next 12 months of the same.

Happy new year ♥

Merry Scroogemas. Or Grinchmas. Or Christmas. Or whatever the bloody thing's called.

For the first time in a long time, I actually enjoyed Christmas this year. No family. No expectations. No schedules. No stress. Just me, my mum, the animals, and the exceptionally poor Christmas TV which graces our screens every year. Although, Doctor Who was, as usual, fantastic and lovely and wonderful and once I finish typing this post, I think I shall go and iPlayer it (again) or go to bed, depending on how much beer I consume between now and then.

I realise that it's been a year since I set up this blog, with a view to posting regularly about the dull proceedings of this game we call life. I think I succeeded in that. Largely. If you ignore the 'regular' part of that statement. I'm planning a 2011 summary post for New Year's Eve, in which I reflect on the depressing (lack of) progress I have made in my love life, social life, educational life............ sex life. And just life in general.

Since my previous post there are two major developments which need pointing out: I have passed my driving test, and my UCAS application has been sent off and processed and I have an offer to study Music at City University London, starting September 2013. Actually, I think that's the only thing that's different about my life  in comparison to this time last year. OK, I'm more out than I was at the start of the year, and I have a new phone and a Dinner Suit (including a bow-tie, which is cool. No Top Hat though...).

Since I am (once again) going to be spending New Year with people I don't particularly want to be with, and I'd much rather spend my 18th New Year's Eve getting pissed shitless with my friends, I will spare you all with the inevitable boring rant about how my Aunt dictates when her dogs need to go for a poo, and I will also spare you from the complicated happenings of my cousin's love life (I seem to remember posting last year about how he and his girlfriend were shoving themselves down each others throats during Christmas dinner and me just quietly sitting there wanting to have a boyfriend of my own.... oh how that's changed...). I am grateful for the fact that by the time we do arrive at my Aunt's house in 2 days time that the incontinent Nazi grandmother will not be present. I might actually kill myself if she were.

But that's enough about the rant I was never going to have. Doubtless these shall all be rants that will be posted before the year is out.

Hope you've all had a Merry Christmas, even if I don't actively celebrate it myself, for reasons which constitute a whole new post for itself, and if I don't post before the end of the year, I wish you all a very happy and healthy start to 2012.

♥

So it seems I'm already out - except I don't remember officially coming out...

OK so it turns out that most of the sixth form at my school know I'm gay, when I haven't told *that* many people. Don't get me wrong, I really don't mind who knows or how many people know - it's not as if I deny it at all.

Basically (and I'm not sure how much of this is true, because I was in a lesson when it happened), Harry and Sarah were having an argument about something, and Sarah decided to say that Harry was in a gay relationship with someone - despite both Harry and this other guy being straight. Harry used me as an 'insult', and decided that I was going out with her. Cue Amy, who happily proclaims that I'm gay. Harry didn't know up until that point, and seemed surprised. Amy seemed surprised at Harry's surprise, because according to her, "everyone knows".

Now, I don't have a problem with any of this. I really couldn't care less about who knows I'm gay, but I'm a bit confused as to how Amy found out, let alone "everyone", because I didn't tell them. And I doubt she checks people's Facebook profiles to see what their 'Interested In' is set to. I don't think anybody does (apart from me, because I'm such a stalk). But I now have absolutely no idea who knows and who doesn't, which to an extent, annoys me, because it's the sort of thing I'd rather have told people about myself, rather than people hearing it from people who heard it from people. But, on the other hand, I'm secretly very glad, because I don't have to do any of this horrible 'coming out' lark, and have also completed a new years resolution. Which, in 18 years, I think is the first time I can ever honestly say that :p

I'm curious as to how everybody found out, because the people that I had told don't really tell other people someone's private stuff - they're all just like "you want to know, you go and ask him. Not my place to say." I don't know weather or not the fact that Amy told people about my sexuality without my permission should bother me or not.

Anyway, thought and comments below please!
♥

Newsflash

In one of my more extended periods of absence from this blog, some interesting things have happened. Chief among them:

I'M 18!!!!!

So yeah, that's cool. Can now legally get drunk and have sex (cos the government are still such arseholes and ban gay sex for under 18 year olds, the fuckers.) and all that shiz.

School life is still killing me; I was in a really bad mood on Thursday because one of my teachers didn't read my first draft for my coursework properly, and told me about 2 hours before the deadline for the next draft that what I'd written (or what I wanted to write) was wrong and I had to change it. So I flipped out and felt like murdering him, but I resisted. I'm too young to go to prison. 

I'm out to a few more people, and a lot more open about being gay too. I think I'll consider that another new year's resolution I've completed. It's not quite in the way I was hoping, but considerably more people know I'm gay now than people did this time last year. So that's an achievement.

My UCAS application is more or less finished now too. Just waiting for my reference to be written and then my brilliant application will land on the desks of some admission tutors and they'll all love me and worship me and offer me a place because I'm that brilliant. 

Went to see Lee Evans with my 'brother' last week as well. SO FUNNY MY STOMACH STILL HURTS FROM ALL THE LAUGHING. Honestly, if you get a chance to go and see him live, go and see him, you will not regret it :D

Think that's about it for now. Looking forward to half term in just over a week - I'm gonna need it!! 

xxxxxxxx

So. Much. To. Do.

OK, so it's term 4 of the sixth form, and I feel like shit. Literally. Well, not really. There's just so much crap to do and not enough time to do it in it's unbelievable. I don't know how to do everything that I need to do and I just want to go away and sleep and not wake up. Ever.

So Tuesday is the deadline for my extended essay first draft. Friday is the first deadline for music coursework. The first Monday in October is the first deadline for my History coursework. The second deadline for music is the end of the second week in October. UCAS application deadline for my school is the October Half Term. Somewhere in October is a German group oral exam that counts for 25% of my final mark in German. November is the final deadline for my History coursework. In December are the mock English orals, the final deadline for my extended essay and musical investigation, a mock theory of knowledge oral, first draft of my theory of knowledge essay, and another German group oral.

And then it's Christmas (hallelujah), but it's gonna be hell, because we get back and the first day back is mock exams.

And half of that stuff I haven't even started yet because we were only given the details about them last week.

I WANT TO JUST RUN AWAY WITH SOME FIT GUY AND HAVE LOTS OF SEX AND  KEEP RUNNING AND NEVER STOP AND NEVER LOOK BACK OR EVEN THINK OF COMING TO THIS HELL THAT IS SCHOOL LIFE.

/rant.

Done my bit...

...to stamping out homophobia.

Well, hardly. But it's a contribution. Ish.

Basically one of my acquaintances (let's call him Rob) decided it would be funny to write on one of my straight female friend's arm (we'll call her Anne) "I LOVE GAY SEX ♥ :)" And she seemed initially upset about it. But she didn't take offence about it once she'd washed it off.

But anyway, I got really offended by it. I was like, 'what a prat, writing something like that without thinking who it might offend.' And I really wasn't sure what I should've done. So I spoke to India, and she told me that I should basically go and tell him that next time he should think about who he offends before he does stuff like that; I shouldn't get the teachers involved (I'd seen our Deputy Director of Sixth Form whizz past and thought maybe I should point it out to her, just so they know that homophobic bullying is still an issue, even this high up in the school). But I was all worried about him not taking me seriously. He's kinda like the guy who you expect to just pretend he's sorry and go away and do exactly the same thing again. 

So I decided that I would do both, and that's exactly what I did. I went and spoke to the Dep. head of sixth form and said that this had happened, and while the majority of people don't take offence at that sort of stuff, I most certainly do, but I don't want to name names, cos I've sorted it out with the guy involved, and he's apologised (I hadn't yet), but I just wanted to bring it to your attention. 

Or words to that effect.

And then I found him coming out of a lesson and I pulled him over and I said "Rob; about what you wrote on Anne's arm." "Yeah," he says slowly. "'I am a short little naughty girl.'" "The other arm," I tell him. "'I love Gay Sex.'." "Yeah, that one. Please don't do it again. I'm sure Anne didn't take offence at it, but I can guarantee you that there are people who do, and I'm one of them. So next time, think about what you write before you write it."

And I walked off, a little grumpy. 

He runs after me "LIAM! LIAM!" and I turn around. 

"I'm really sorry, I just didn't think. I only meant it as a joke. I didn't mean to offend you at all. I'm just so used to having a laugh about it with other people in my family who are gay, I just didn't think."

I just looked at him, really coldly and said "Clearly. And just because there are people in your family who are gay doesn't mean that every other gay person in the world will react the same way as them, so use your fucking brain every once in a while." And I just left him standing there.

I didn't tell him that I went to the teacher. 

Did I do the right thing? Should I have just gone straight to the teacher? Or taken it up straight away with Rob? Or not done anything?

On the plus side, there's now another person who knows I'm gay :D

xxx

Just a bit weird.

OK, so I went into London today with some friends to an open-air screening of Amélie (absolutely fantastic film, if you haven't seen it yet, GO AND BUY IT AND WATCH IT IN ALL IT'S GLORY) and that was all fun - we spent about an hour just walking around Brixton trying to find the bloody place. But the train journey home was..... odd, to say the least.

I should really mention the drunk woman, because if the stench of her sick hadn't made us move carriages, this wouldn't have happened. By the time we were at Chelmsford, all my friends had got off, and this gay couple got on (I have to admit, it was the first real-life gay couple I've seen). They sat sort of diagonally opposite me, and whilst I couldn't actually see what they were doing, I got a pretty good view of it from the reflection in the window. I'm such a stalk. Anyway.

They, both clearly drunk, got off at Witham. Not like that, they got off of the train (control your dirty mind, reader!). As they did, one of them said "Well, enjoy the rest of your ride - I tell you, we're two of the most homosexual men ever, we fuck all the time." (or words to that effect) I simply smiled and said "Same," before I heard the bit about them fucking all the time. His eyes widened and he looked at his boyfriend. "Are you up for it? Would you have a threesome with us? His arse is fucking intense." Laughing, they both fell off of the train and continued to 'make out' (can you call it that?) on the platform.

Is it just me, or does that sound weird?

Bored

I don't really know what to say - nothing's happened. For once in a long long time, I don't actually feel as depressed about being single and more or less in the closet as I have been since I set this blog up. Not quite sure why that is. No doubt that'll change once school starts again next week... I'll look at Jack and think "it's a shame he's straight."

Although, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure he's as straight as he makes out to be (no pun intended). Yeah he's got a girlfriend. But he just seems gay. Or at least, bi-curious. I know that seems like I'm stereotyping, but I'm not - god knows, I hate stereotyping. But my 'gaydar' (for want of a better term) is telling me that he is. Perhaps his constant boasting about his desire to get fucked is part of the reason why I think he's bi-curious. And his almost constant acting gay (here I go again with the stereotypes) - he's forever drawing cocks on tables/books/hands. The other day (well, not the other day, it was in January when I came out to India, Akiko and Lisa) Akiko had printed a picture of some Japanese band she's into and asked each of us in turn which one of them we'd "do." Out of the three girls and one guy in the picture, Jack instantly pointed to the dude and said something along the lines of "he's completely fuckable."

So yeah, I'm not sure about him. All I know is that I would definitely be willing to help him fulfil his desire :D *evil laugh*

The last two months

Well.... a lot's happened. Possibly the biggest thing that has happened is the fact that me and Will are no longer together. We never went on that date - possibly because I realised that he just wasn't 'the one'. He's too ruthless for me. Which sounds really brutal, but I don't know how else to put it. He's one of those people who drops anybody he's bored with and moves on.

When we went into London for a theatre trip with school, we got the same train there and back, and he was telling me how he managed to get one person (coincidently, it was my ex) to leave the school because he bullied him so much. He told me how he successfully managed to get one girl to not be friends with his friends. That attitude blew it for me. Any chance we had together now doesn't exist, because I don't want to be his new target. I don't want a boyfriend who chooses other people's friends. I don't want a boyfriend who makes a mess of things, drops it, moves on and leaves someone else to pick up the pieces. Sorry. He's obviously not the boyfriend I'm looking for.

So that's that. We still talk, and we're on friendly terms, but when he inevitably drops me like he has so many others, it won't hurt quite as much if we're simply friends, than if we're in a full-on relationship.

I can't remember if I mentioned me being in the school play, but I was, and that went brilliantly. I had (even the directors said so) the most lines and the most challenging character, and possibly the most prompts too, but the number of prompts I had don't compare to the fantastic experience it was. I want to do it all over again, and I'll probably cry a little when the audition posters go up next year and I realise I won't be able to be in it. I keep telling myself 'it'll be nice to be able to go into the auditorium next year and not know what to expect', but for me, the knowing and keeping it secret and performing it is so much more fun and memorable than simply watching it.

The Bassoon's progressing.... I gave up on the oboe, because I kept getting dizzy - too much air pressure on the brain, I guess.

Mum now officially knows that I'm at least spending my gap year with my brother in London somewhere - neither of us know whereabouts in London yet, but that's where we'll be. She also knows that I'm considering studying in England too. I know last time I was on the topic of University, I moaned about the £9,000pa not being worth it, but we've had plenty of talks on student finance, and I'm not too fussed about it any more - I wouldn't consider it a debt anyway, if the money comes out of my account automatically and I never see the money I owe in the first place, then I never think about having to repay the money, so that's all good. I'm looking at a Joint Honours in Music and Film Studies, which all looks very exciting.

Hmmmm what else? Apart from meeting David Tennant and Catherine Tate at the signing after Much Ado About Nothing (I have the script they used and they've touched it, and signed it and I'm like OMG!!!!!!! :D:D), nothing new or of any interest.

xx

I'm Back!

And with a new look blog too!

So I realise it's been over 3 months since I last posted, and a busy three months it's been. Finally started Bassoon lessons, am single again, still no further in coming out to the rest of the world, but surprisingly, not too depressed.

I'll post more later on tonight, but just thought I'd let you know that despite my lack of posts, I haven't forgotten about the blog!! :D

xxxxxxxx

He doesn't acknowledge me.

*feels depressed*

So it was the first proper day back at school in like, forever. The Easter holidays, the bank holidays, and yesterday was a non-pupil day, so I haven't actually seen Will since I asked him out... TWO WEEKS AGO?!?! Really?? That doesn't seem right.

But yeah, I realise that we haven't gone public about us yet, and maybe he'll look at me once we do and I'm probably making mountains out of molehills...... but he was in every lesson with me today.... and he barely looked at me twice. WHY?????? Is he just taking the piss? Does he want to go out with me or not? Surely the least he could do is say 'hi' to me when we pass each other in the corridor or in lessons?



Help me? What should I do? We both agreed that we weren't going to go on our date until after his exams had finished.... but that's not 'til the middle of JUNE!!!!

This is just too surreal for words.

Everything seems to have happened at the speed of light recently, and I've totally forgotten about this cyber diary I find myself keeping. Since my last post, I no longer find myself single, but finally in a relationship (with the guy who beat me to Head Boy, funnily enough), yet still hardly any closer to officially coming out of the closet.

What do I call my new boyfriend?? I think I'll settle for Will... As it sounds a little bit like willy and one very famous will got married over the weekend (three guesses who).

I never used to like him. We mucked around with each other once or twice when we were younger, but nothing serious - and everytime we did, he wouldn't talk to me for ages afterwards. He'd be really rude to me... Maybe because he knew that we were both gay and competing against each other to getting a boyfriend first. So we're probably both as surprised as each other that we're going out eith each other.

I first realised I liked him in that sort of way maybe the middle of November, just before I set this blog up. I didn't think he liked me too. Well, who's to say he doesn't?? I asked him out - albeit after he started flirting with me on Facebook. He said he was lonely and tired of being single, and I just consoled him.... It was obvious (I think) that he wanted me to ask him out, but he didn't have the courage to do so with me. But I asked him if he wanted to go out for a drink at somepoint, he said yes and now I'm waiting to set the date. This was in Easter Sunday.

Sorry, hang on - *shifts cat off of keyboard* - much better I can see you now. Where was I? Oh yeah.

The day I asked him, I was probably blinded by adrenaline... I felt so excited that I had the courage to ask a guy out - to have him accept was just a bonus I wasn't expecting. But now it's worn off... I'm not sure about it anymore. I mean, I like him, but it's more of a "I like you as a friend" sort of like, rather than a fancy-the-pants-off-of like. I'm not sure I love him. My heart belongs to someone else... And sadly he's straight. You know who I'm on about, I don't need to say it.

Mum's been annoyingly embarrassing again lately. She thinks she has to comment on everything, just because she seems to love the sound of her own voice. She just will not shut up! She drives me mad... I still haven't told her that I'm not planning to move back to Germany eith her. In fact; me and my brother have decided that once I've finished school, we're goingto flatshare. She doesn't know about that yet either.

I'm scarred I'm losing contact with her. With every day that passes, I feel I have to get out of her hair. I look forward to the days when she's away on business - peace and quiet, with nobody dictating my life or telling me what to do, except for a daily 15 minute phone call that I dont really need to listen to. I'm ready to move out, I think..... Just not sure if she's ready to be completely alone...

RIP Elisabeth Sladen

I've never met her, I've never spoken to her, I was more of a casual viewer when it came to The Sarah Jane Adventures and the closest I've ever been come to seeing her was through a TV screen on Doctor Who. Yet somehow, her death has touched and moved me beyond belief.

Maybe it was because she has such a legacy about her, and still so much more to give. Cancer is a cruel thing to suffer from - it rips lives apart, quite literally. It destroys people, and when its done, it just moves on and finds its next victim. She was so talented, and from what I've heard, so lovely and friendly. Such a shame that such a wonderful talent had to be brought crashing to the floor by a few mutinous cells.

I think it's more fear that I'm suffering from right now, than grief. I'm not grieving for her - I never knew her. Obviously it's saddening that she has died so unexpectedly (for the public, at least) and had her talent cruelly taken from her, but the fact that she died of Cancer, that unstoppable killing machine, makes me scared for the people I love. What's to stop them from developing cancer? Anybody could, there's no way of telling who gets it. My Mum's friend had it about 6 years ago. Thankfully, she's since been given the all-clear, and is able to get on with her life, but it's made me think.... not everybody is so lucky.

I must make it my mission to watch her episodes of Doctor Who, particularly those from the 70s, when she was the companion. And then I should like to watch The Sarah Jane Adventures, just for good measure.

RIP.

-----///\\-----Please 
----///-\\\----Put This 
---|||---|||---On Your 
---|||---|||---Profile If 
---|||---|||---You Know 
----\\\-///----Someone 
-----\\///-----Who Died 
------///\-----Of, or had 
-----///\\\----Cancer 
----///-- \\\---

Sorry for the break

Wow I've neglected this blog a bit haven't I?? Sorry about that.

Not that you've missed anything much. Mum's still sounding like a stuck record, complaining about her sister and mum and how they treat her like a child. Speaking of whom, I have to go and stay with them next weekend for my nan's 80-somethingth birthday. I really don't wanna go :(

My cousin's girlfriend is stressing everybody out right now. She has some sort of mental condition, I'm not sure what, and she was due to go into hospital to sort herself out thekther day, but then she dropped everything and went for some weird exorcism in Zurich, much to the disapproval of my entire family, not to mention my cousin. Yeah, theyre the ones who were annoying me over Christmas because they were making out at the dinner table, and rubbing it into me that I STILL dont have a boyfriend. But mum keeps going on about how sad it is for the two of them, and how difficult everyone must be finding it, blah de bloody blah, and all I wanna do is watch a film or a DVD.

Anyway. We've succesfully moved house and I'm sincerely hoping that my 'brother' comes round soon -- I haven't seen him since his birthday do nearly two months ago and I'm really starting to miss him. I guess this is what it'll be like when I start uni abroad (simply cos the costs of studying here aren't worth it).

Speaking of uni, I think I may have found myself a bassoon teacher... Though still haven't decided if I'm going to learn that or the oboe. I like both. What d'you reckon?? Though I think itll definitely be the bassoon if I don't find an oboe teacher soon!!

Better go -- I'm on my phone and this keyboard is driving me mad at 2 in the morning! Talk soon
Xx

One Step Further

So I came out to a friend of mine today!!!! Jamin's the sort of guy who turns everything into a euphemism, so it was kinda easier than I imagined. I didn't tell him to keep quiet about it or anything, so I'm fully expecting word to spread sooner or later.

Basically, my exchange-partner's mum gave me a nicely decorated hard-boiled egg for lunch (it's a tradition in Germany to decorate hard-boiled eggs for easter). He asked exactly what it was and I told him "it's a hard-boiled egg that's been decorated." Somehow (god knows how, but he managed it...) he managed to turn that into a euphemism and blurted out "some people have fetishes for decorated eggs." I didn't know this (and I doubt it's true, but the world can be surprising) but agreed with him and added on "I'm one of those people. Except for the decorated part. I just like eggs." By now it was obvious that we were talking about bollocks rather than eggs.... *rolleyes* and he basically said "So is this your way of coming out, through food??" I said yes.

So that was that.

I still wasn't sure if he thought I was joking or not, so we managed to get onto the topic again later. He replied "screaming homosexual?" to a comment I made (I can't remember what) but either way, I replied, "No, Jamin. I'm just gay, not screaming."

"Yet," he replies.
"No, I've been gay for a long time."

There was a bit of an awkward pause - I think that's when it finally hit him that I wasn't joking about being gay and liking 'eggs'.

"No, I meant the screaming bit."

And then it kinda trailed off.

I've been much more open about it recently - I said that I was going to text my partner's mum to say I'm leaving and he and the other girl we were with both said "ooh" as if to suggest something. I simply said "Jamin, you know what I'm going to say next." And he just looked at me and said "she's a woman". I replied "there's that. There's also the fact that she's x years older than me...." *lots of laughter at this time*

So perhaps I came out to two people. Definately one. But it's still a step forward!! :D
x

Hello again.

Wow I kinda let this die down, didn't I.................

I guess that's mainly because nothing much has actually happened. OK, since I last posted, we've moved house, I'm on a Work Experience exchange in Germany, I've missed comic relief and Christopher and his Kind (so no spoiling me in the comments!) and got drunk on Friday......... but you want the juicy details about who's fucking/sleeping with/dating/etc who. And I don't have any of that. I'm still no further with coming out, or finding a boyfriend, for that matter..... but I'm not expecting things to happen in one go. Maybe I was just being depressed last time (although Mum's still annoying me, but not quite as majorly as before).....

Once anything happens, I'll remember to post it - I think I'm getting closer to coming out - I've been dropping a number of hints lately, but some people are just too thick to pick up on them and ask "Liam - are you gay?". :/

x

Confused.....

OK, so I know I keep going on about how much I wanna come out, and how much I want a boyfriend........ well I've been thinking recently. OK, today. Well, for the last 20 minutes or so.

Cos it's my 'brother''s birthday today. And Happy Birthday to him as well. And anybody who reads this regularly (who am I kidding - the one person who reads this regularly) will know that he's not my brother, and will also know that I have a bit of a thing for him. I'm in love with him, I'm not afraid to admit it. And I think (hope) he knows that I am as well. And he's cool with it, he doesn't mind, cos at the end of the day, he's straight,  I'm gay, we both know that I'm never gonna be able to fuck him. But he's the only person I feel like myself around - him and his family. I can be who I am around them, without fear of being stereotyped, or abused, or bullied..... they're like the family I never had.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still love my Mum, no matter how much she annoys or embarrasses me. But right now I find my family really stressful, and his family so awesomely relaxed, and relaxing. I can talk to his mum and her boyfriend about anything I want to, and have a laugh about it, and not worry about Mum not understanding me, or taking it all too seriously, like she always does. Her parents aren't exactly the most relaxing and easy-going people to be around (hell, they argue about which one of them is going to die first, how sick is that?), and my Aunts and their husbands are just so stressful to be around. One of them knows everything better and has to constantly correct you in front of friends and family and total strangers, making you just want to melt away into the realm of the non-existing, while the other has to know where everybody is and what every movement is, while at the same time complaining that her part time job in a shop is too stressful for her on top of walking four dogs, feeding them, taking them to the vets at the first sign of a minuscule cough, and making sure the cat is inside between this time and that time. If that's stress, I'd have that any day....

So yeah, my family don't particularly excite me right now. Maybe it's a phase, I don't know, but if it is a phase, then it's been going on for a long time now.

So I feel at home at his house. I feel welcome and comfortable when I'm at his house. Perhaps to the extent, where I'm now thinking I've attached myself too much to him, because I know that he'll never ask me out, except as a joke when he's had a few beers, or as a dare amongst friends. And I know that if I ask him out he'll say no anyway. But I don't think I'd be happy with anyone else BUT him...... so why should I have to come out? I know that if when I come out, my chances of finding a boyfriend are increased massively, but I know that I won't ever be happy with the boyfriend, whoever he is, because he isn't HIM.

Does that sound really obsessive?

Probably.

I think maybe he's cottoned on to the fact that I like him in that way, and is trying to distance himself a little from me.... I just sent him a text to say Happy Birthday, only a few seconds after I wrote on his wall on Facebook to say the same thing, and he replied to say thanks, he'll check Facebook when he gets home, he's not at home. I can't help but feel a little rejected, that he doesn't want me. It hurts to think that he chose to spend his Birthday with somebody else other than me.... again. He didn't want me there last year either. I take some comfort in the fact knowing that last year, he spent his birthday alone, with his sister, his mum and her boyfriend. Although, maybe that was the best thing for him at the time, he was feeling quite depressed for his 16th....

Now, my rational, reasonable half of my brain is telling me that most of what I've just said is a load of bullshit. Of all the people he invited to his celebratory lunch on Wednesday, I was the only one he asked to come earlier than everybody else and asked to sleep over. Which of course I did. I also have no idea where he is and who he's with - for all I know his mum took him somewhere nice for a 'last day of being 16 dinner' and is on his way back; he never actually told me he was at a friend's house. Maybe he's spending his birthday with his dad (poor soul), who doesn't live with him or his mum after he was disloyal, or something like that. And I know he must think of me as someone close, because he told me so when he was at mine, and he poured his little heart out to me when he realised he'd missed an opportunity with a girl he liked. He doesn't do that, he doesn't pour his heart out to anybody who isn't family....

OK, interruption, some guy just posted on his wall to say happy birthday - nice to see you again. My rational half of my brain is telling me that this dude is one of his mum's friends (it would be logical to assume that, since the wall post also mentions something about his mum), but my irrational half of my brain is telling me that he's a friend from his new school that he's chosen to spend his birthday with, rather than me. I know that sounds really selfish, but he's my world, he's the only thing that means anything to me, apart from maybe my music, my pets and mum.

Interruption over.... where was I?

Meh, I can't remember, I lost my trail of thought. I think of things faster than I can type them, half of what I was going to say in this post I forgot before it reached my fingers.

There's a Facebook page, on one of the quote portals (and I know it's terrible to judge anything by a Facebook page) about the signs of falling in love. I read through them and thought that if those signs are true, then I am most definitely more than just in love with him.... It's something like this:

7 Signs of Falling in Love
1. You read his texts over and over again
2. You walk really slowly while you're with him.
3. He is all you can think about.
4. You get high just by smelling him.
5. You realise that you're always smiling when you think of him.
6.You would do anything for him.
7. While reading this, he was on your mind for the whole time.

I didn't like it, because I thought it crude, but all seven of those points are true for me. I'm going somewhere with this.... I just need to think of where....

*sigh*

I think I basically wanted to vent my confusion and say (in a very long winded manner, it has to be said) that what's the point in coming out, if the only boyfriend I might actually end up with, I can never love as much as I love my 'brother'...?

If you want to know how confused I think I am right now, this post took me the best part of an hour to formulate and write.... *sigh*

x

Meh.

Wow, sorry I've taken ages to post, been really busy with school lately. I think I'll just post one massive long catch-up...

Sunday
Spent the evening with my awesome 'brother', watched lots of Doctor Who and ate tonnes of Cheesecake. I had to hide with him in my room after the Spaniard was brought back to us by his proper partner who's a bit of a dick and the definition of homophobe..... the partner and his mum stayed for the best part of 2 hours.... I wasn't best pleased with that, but then again, all the more time to be alone with my bro. (For anybody who's new to my life, read the Who's Who page before making something weird out of that.... we're not biologically related. I'm an only child, and my 'brother' is actually the most awesomest friend ever ♥. Cos it's just really disturbing to want to date and have sex with and eventually marry your biological brother). 

Monday - Valentines' Day
Spent it practically all with my 'brother', despite most of it being at school in an all day rehearsal for a concert on Wednesday. Yeah, that was basically it, aside from that, it was probably the most depressing Valentine's Day ever. Maybe next year I'll have someone to be with then....

Tuesday
It seemed like February was just one of those months where everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. Twice. I'd had the worst driving lesson ever (seriously, more stalls than my first ever lesson, and my foot just wouldn't come off the accelerator when I changed gear....) and my piano lesson was shit as well - my fingers weren't doing what my brain was telling them to do, and my brain wasn't telling them to do what the music was telling it to tell my fingers.... or something like that. And to top that off, one of my Physics teachers called Mum to ask her to tell me to get a move on and do my overdue homeworks. She overreacted, so did I, now neither of as are talking a lot to each other.

It was also the day of the election for Head Boy and Girl.... well, see Thursday for that.

Wednesday - Concert Night
Possibly the best day of the week, despite the fact that the Spaniard was still living with us. The concert went well (we performed the song in the video at the bottom of this post) and Mum (who was talking to me only because my bro was here), my brother, the Spaniard and had a Chinese, before me and him went upstairs to finish Doctor Who. I was far too tired and ended up using his shoulder as a pillow for part of The Hungry Earth, much to my excitement. I don't think he minded though....

For some reason, we went to bed then... I think it was because I was tired, but then we got talking and didn't actually fall asleep until 4am.... We were talking about guys and girls, I think. I asked him what the best way to come out was, he didn't know. He asked me what the best way to get a girlfriend was, I didn't know. He asked me what my ideal boyfriend would be like, and I told him he knew the answer..... him. So yeah, it kinda carried on like that, till one of us fell asleep at 4.... then he woke me up at 8 - he whacked me accidentally ;) It was another episode of Doctor Who after that.... Then he went home, and I went to school.

Thursday
Election results from Head Boy came out on Thursday.... no surprise, they didn't vote for either of the two gay candidates. Not that I'm out yet, but you know what I mean. It's the principle. I go to school with a load of homophobic twats. As far as I can remember, there wasn't really an awful lot else on Thursday.....

Friday
Meh. It started well, ended not so well....

The good part was that I finally managed to hand in my composition, very nearly complete, to a deadline that I kept. I think it was the first deadline I've managed to keep to in my entire school career. I just need to hand in (and start and finish and everything that comes in between) a written statement to go with it, and then that's one composition done and dusted. Only two to go.

And then came the Physics. Again. My silly little teacher, (in every sense of the word - he's about 2 foot nothing) was getting impatient and went to the head of Sixth Form to ask me for the homework... I said I was still working on it - he'd asked for as much as possible before we break up. Bear in mind, we still had a good four hours left at school. Then there was the problem of finding a room to actually get started on the work (You can imagine, I didn't have much time to do school work this week, cos I was too busy having an awesome time with my awesome 'brother'). I got depressed, wasted an hour, and gave up, realising that I didn't have the worksheet with me to do the work. I couldn't exactly go and find him and ask for it, since I was meant to have done it in the first place.

Once I finally got a sheet, it took me the best part of two hours to get as much as I could done, but it was so bloody hard, I couldn't even get past the Level 3 questions before I gave up.... :(

And that brings me to the weekend just gone, which was utterly dull and uneventful. Though I'm going for a sleepover at my bro's on Wednesday!! :D



You know, it's weeks like that where you just wonder if your life is just a total dream..... :/
x

Depression

*sigh* I'm in one of those lows, one of those times when everything and anything about anyone seems to annoy me to the point of pissing me off enough to make me retreat into my room and feel depressed. Waterloo Road didn't help either.

I'm still largely in the closet, and I'm still most definitely single. Both of those are severely depressing. *is depressed*. It doesn't help much when I iPlayer Waterloo Road to find Josh and Nate getting it off with one another. A little part of me died when I saw it, to be replaced by the most intense rush of jealousy and impatience. How hard can it be? How difficult is it just to either say "I'm Gay" or just wear that stupid wristband and say "yes" if anybody asks if it's a Gay Pride wristband. Obviously, very hard. Why?! I want to come out, I want people to know, I want to be open! But I just find it so god damn bloody difficult....

Me and my brother both feel like that though (he's sadly not gay, but we both want someone). I want someone who I can enjoy myself with, not feel awkward around, someone who's funny and entertaining, and has similar tastes in music and clothes and film and everything to me. Looks aren't that important to me right now, since I'm not exactly a looker myself. Though I'm frequently told I am, if I were to lose some weight. Which I'm not really trying to do right now, given my current state of depression. :( One day I'll settle down with the right guy and be happy, and not have to worry about annoying things....

Like Mum. Mum's really annoying me right now. I don't know if it's just my perception of her that's changing and that she's still the same person, or if she as a person is changing into someone that's more annoying than she used to be. Everything she does at the moment seems to annoy me a little..... her impatience, her occasional selfishness, her talkativeness, her driving off in the mornings before the windscreen has demisted and not able to see a thing...... would that not annoy you? Aside from it being very scary when you suddenly realise that the driver is effectively driving blind. :/

My Oboe and Bassoon arrived yesterday though. I have no idea how to put the Bassoon together, and can only just manage a C Major scale and something which vaguely resembles Titanic on the Oboe. Baby steps.

Hmm.

x

The Night-before-nerves

OK, so my Head Boy campaign speech thing is tomorrow, and I've just had to blitz a speech. :S I sound really big-headed in it, but I think I get my point across, and having seen who I'm up against, there are only really two other plausible candidates, one of whom is gay too. So there might be a gay Head Boy and a gay Deputy Head boy. Anyway. I'm rambling.

I'm now really really really nervous and kinda shitting myself, but this is the last thing I can do properly before next Tuesday, when the Sixth Form goes to the polls. *eek* That sounded less threatening in my head than it did typed.

I'm used to public speaking and presentations and speeches, but most of them are usually just improvised as and when I make them. They usually go fine. But this means too much to just improvise it all..... maybe that's why I'm so nervous? Because I've prepared it and now think that there are potential pitfalls where I could go wrong.....

Ah, I dunno. I'll sleep on it. Maybe it'll all be fine in the morning. I hope.....
x

Why does nobody LISTEN?!?!?!?!?!

You know, sometimes I feel like I'm just constantly talking to a brick wall. Nobody ever takes notice of what I say. Nobody ever believes what I say. It's not as if I just make things up as I go along. Let's all ignore Liam, cos he's always wrong. Let's all ignore Liam, cos he makes things up. That's what the world says about me, behind my back, when I'm not looking. Let's all forget about Liam, cos he doesn't matter and he's gay.

Yeah, so what?

You're probably thinking "what's the matter now? Who's made homophobic remarks again...?" Well, nobody has. I'm just in one of those funny moods, particularly with my Mum, strangely enough. Either I'm just going through a phase, or she is, but she seems really difficult lately. She gets all defensive and upset the SECOND I don't do exactly as she asks. She has this amazing ability to make you feel totally guilty and worthless, and I hate feeling that way. Really, I do. But then she also gets pissed off if I'm a little short tempered (which I was today, I admit). She gets short tempered as well, but I don't turn around and shout "Hey... why are you using this tone of voice," whilst herself using quite a whiney and aggressive tone of voice.

Like today, on the way home from the station. My exchange partner wanted to know how to get from the town centre to the cinema... which bus she needed, where to get off, etc. Fair enough, right? So I told her, you need this and this bus, to that and that place, and it'll cost you so many pounds. She didn't need to worry about where to get off - the bus finishes where she needs to get off. And Mum just embarrasses me and decides to say "No, it's not, they're different places." I'm sitting there, FOUR times I've told her that the bus finishes there, you can't go any further on that bus without going back the way you came. End of the Line. All Change. And I'm sitting there, like, "Mum, the bus. Finishes. There." And she got really defensive about the way I spoke to her, when I categorically told her - I've been there, the bus finsihes there."

WHY DOES NOONE BELIEVE ME??????

That seems pretty petty, and trivial, and I bet you're all thinking I'm making mountains out of molehills, but it really pisses me off... :(
x

Pinch, punch, first of the month

January's finally over. It seemed like the longest January EVER, though also a relatively successful one. Still single, despite all that, but progress has been made. That day when I came out to India, Lisa and Akiko will be a landmark day for the rest of my life. This month will be the month I come out of the closet (though I think I'll leave it until after the Head Boy elections), and then I have all if the rest if 2011 to find myself a boyfriend.

So no pressure then..........

January stats
New years resolutions started: 1
Moments of slight depression: at least 20
People successfully come out to: 3
Total people out to: 5 (including Mum)
Jaffa-Cakes consumed: about 30 in the last day...
Total calories consumed: bleh, not worth thinking about.
Head Boy nominations: 1 (I'd be very concerned if I was told I was nominated for mire than 1 Head Boy positions...)
x

Massive Catch-up

Wow, what a week..... Sorry I haven't posted much lately, but it's all been a bit hectic around here recently...

I think I'll just sort of sum up everything that's happened rather than do individual posts for them.

Sunday
Basically, my German exchange partner arrived for two weeks. She's really nice and polite and friendly, and she's the first exchange partner I've had who I haven't had to force to speak English (my year 8 French exchange's English was about as good as mine--i.e. Non-existent-- and my previous German exchange partner was lazy and took advantage of the fact that I speak German as a native speaker). The only problem is, everythings a bit awkward... What do I say to her?? Mum took over in her first day here and asked all the questions I was going to ask... I kinda feel sorry for het, since she has to listen to her (self-admitted) inconsequent ramblings. I always switch off at those.

Monday
Ok, Monday was kinda dull. There wasnt really an awful lot to do with my partner, since I had about 3 different essays (most of which overdue by some considerable amount of time) to complete or my head would have been separated from my body by my teachers...

Tuesday
Big day, Tuesday was. I got nominated for head boy. Which I'm really happy about and I really hope I get elected, but I need to ask myself, am I more likely to get elected if I stay in the closet and then come out as gay once I'm elected?? Hmm... Suggestions and opinions in the comments box please!!

Wednesday
I think I spent most of Wednesday coughing. I have a cold. :( I'm unimpressed. I did However, get round to coming up with manifesto ideas for my headboyship. Most of those came from a single lecture from one of my physics teachers about work ethics and teaching styles. In fact, so far my entire manifesto comes from said lecture. Oh well...

Thursday
I don't remember much about thursday. It seems quite insignificant. I suppose that's the consequence of not posting here mire regularly, you begin to think of days as insignificant...

Friday
Stayed at home all day due to illness. Feel like the plague and death all in one. I am officially no further with ANY schoolwork, having spent the entire day watching Doctor Who instead... :p
x

Sob...

It didn't happen..... :'( I have this mental block where I say I'm gonna go and do something, and then I get all nervous and don't do what I want to do... My excuse is that there wasn't an opportunity to do it, but there was nothing to stop me from blurting out "I'm gay!"....

Ah well, the year is young...
x

Today's the day...

... I plan to come out to the real world. Through the means if a Gay Pride wristband.

Yeah, it finally arrived yesterday and it looks pretty cool. I think. Not sure what everyone at school will say, and as you can imagine, I'm kinda shitting myself right now. What if they hate gays? What if they're all homophones? I think they're not, but we've never really talked about it before now......

My fears come from knowing that at least one of my friends is deeply Christian, but I dint know what branch they ate... If they're catholic, then I'm kinda fucked...

Wish me luck, and watch this space!!
x

I want to crawl back into bed and stay there for all of eternity.

Mum's gone away on business for the whole week, which means that I have to wake myself up at twenty to six each morning and do everything.... and it doesn't help that I had 6 lessons without any form of proper break time today, which was totally exhausting and I feel like just dying right now. :/ But I can't, I have far too much work to do for later on this week, and tomorrow isn't exactly my free-est day either...

In other news, I ordered that Gay Pride wristband I was talking about earlier, so that should hopefully be here tomorrow.... or some other time during the week (hopefully BEFORE mum gets back from wherever she is...), so that I can actually wear it at school... and hopefully come out that way...

We'll see... Off to finish my Chocolate Orange and drown my tiredness in some form of fizzy drink or alcohol, a packet of cigarettes and Silent Witness... :p

OMG I haven't posted since TUESDAY????

How the hell does that work?????

Sorry about that. Although, to be honest, not an awful lot has happened. It's been really quite dead round here. Nobody's picked up on my coming out, though I have a plan which I'll talk about in a sec...

Yesterday we had some friends come round for dinner, and their spoilt kids were here too. They're really quite rude, Mum made them something different to eat because they don't like what we were having. And it's like that every time they come here............ GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Anyway, about my plan: I was thinking of ordering this and just wearing it round school and if anybody asks what it is, I just say "it's Gay pride". Does that sound crazy? Or does it actually sound like a good plan? please tell me....


Gah, "low battery, please plug in your laptop".... I HATE that :p

x

Oboe, bassoon, oboe, bassoon, oboe, bassoon............. GAH I can't make my mind up!!!

OK, so I've been thinking about this whole second instrument lark. I love the Oboe, I really do. And the Bassoon doesn't sound bad either. But Bassoonists are rarer, and are more likely to get me a place at University.... so surely it's a no brainer? Surely I should do the instrument that's going to get me the place, and *then* take up the other as a third instrument?

Hmm... inconsequent ramblings.

Either way, I'm hopefully finally taking my grade 5 theory some time next month, if I pass the mock. Which I should do, since the stuff I'm doing at IB level is grade 6 Theory. I'm also finally working towards a grade (6), and once I've gone past that, it'll be Grade 8 Piano, and Grade something in whatever instrument I choose to take up for University... and hopefully I'll get that to at least Grade 6 by the end of my gap year, as well as getting my Piano Diploma under my belt....

What do you think? I know there must be SOMEONE reading this... please comment and suggest stuff?

(By the way, the word hasn't yet spread about my coming out on Friday, so I guess I'll have to do it all over again when the opportunity arises :/)
x

Driving Lessons

Yay, they finally started today!!!! I'm pretty awesome :p I went round corners hundreds of times and stalled the car hundreds of times too, but I'm still alive and in one piece. So is the car I was in, before anybody asks.... :p And I apparently know more about the theory of driving than most people my instructor's taught before, so that's all cool too :D I have another lesson booked for Saturday at 11, so it'll be in the light and I'll be able to see better

Anyway, I need to go, have TONNES of homework to do (most of it for tomorrow... :/)
x

Nerves

So, after coming out to Lisa, India and Akiko on Friday, I suddenly feel really nervous about going to school tomorrow (or today, since I am writing this at an absurd hour of the night and its gone midnight...) I keep wondering if the word has spread, if they've told anyone... And who they've told. Lisa's a bit of a loudmouth, and it wouldn't surprise me if she said something to someone who goes and blabs. Which is fine by me, I want people to know, but I guess it's just a question of who tells who that I'm worried about. I can think of a fair few people who would jump at an opportunity to mock me and take the piss out of me for who I am....

Oh well, we'll see later. Doubt I'll get any sleep anyway, I have two cats who insist in sharing the bed with me lol :p

Yesterday

Sorry, I should really have posted yesterday, but I had to go and see my fucking dad, and when I got home I was too tired and depressed to do anything. I just kinda slept through all of the CSIs on Channel five.... 

Anyway, we had to see this arsehole. He decided that he was going to make life hell again, and push me into doing things I don't want to. Like come down on my own and see him. Like tell him when I'm free so he can come and see me. Like spend my 18th birthday with him rather than my friends. LIKE SPEND NEXT CHRISTMAS WITH HIM.  Why would I want to willingly spend time with the worlds biggest homophobe?? Can someone tell me that?

I also really can't understand how one person can be in such a foul temper all the time. In all my 17 years of knowing him (and trust me, that's 17 years too many), I have never once seem him smile. Not once. EVER. Not even when I got a Jack Petchey Award. Not even when I was elected chairman of our school's anti-bullying group....

Actually, I'll save my inconsequent ramblings until I can order my thoughts in some sort of logical way that I can understand and make sense to myself (no guarantee it'll make sense to you though )

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, sort of. I kind of came out .

Not to everybody I want to, there are still loads of people I want to tell, but I was asked if I way gay and I SAID YES.

Basically one of my friends, who's new to my school (very nice girl, very friendly.... let's call her India), asked another one of my friends (um.... we'll call her Akiko) and another one who I *think* is bisexual (at least, her interests on Facebook are men and women...) who we'll call Lisa, if homophobic bullying was common in our school, because it wasn't in her old one. I was sitting with them at the time, and I said "yes, it is, I've experienced it." (which is the truth... when I was in year 7, loads of people on my bus wrote 'Liam is gay' in the condensation on the windows, and they kept calling me 'Mr Gay UK'... Anyway, I digress). They both asked me if I was gay (almost at the same time as each other) and I simply said yes and acted as though it wasn't a big thing for me to say yes. At the time, my heart was racing... I remember thinking "OMG what am I doing???" as well as "YAY you've finally got it off your chest."

For some unexplainable reason, I remember tears coming to my eyes, so I just pretended I had to go and find a teacher. I went into the nearest toilet and just sort of hid and tried to hold it back. Not quite sure why these tears came to my eyes...

All three of them were really accepting, and Lisa and India both decided that they were going to beat up whoever had bullied me. I'd said that they've long since left, and that the bullying was in year 7, when I wasn't sure if I was gay or not (I came to terms with it properly in Year 8/9, but I think I've known since about year 5...).

But they'd still go and beat up anybody who bullies me 

I hope I'll be able to bring it up in conversation with either Jack, Inga or Lauren soon...

Decision

Remember I was contemplating which second instrument to learn? Well, I've decided on the Oboe. (Or rather, Inga and Lauren both decided for me, as they both play the Oboe)... So now's where the hard part comes in... I need to learn the Oboe to at least grade 6 in about 2 and a half years, I need to get my diploma in Piano in the same amount of time (that would actually mean getting some grades done :/), and at the same time study for my IB, which means keeping up with the reading for English, which I can't stand.

I also want to try and be involved in the next two school plays (whatever they are), and hopefully in the one when I'm on my gap year in 2012/2013. I was Deputy Stage Manager in the last two plays, cos I missed the auditions, but I'm hoping that I'll get to be in the cast of this year's play (what that is, I've NO idea...)

Back to School

I've noticed this is becoming a habit, writing these posts at like midnight. Oh well.

First day back at school today yesterday. It made me realise just how little work I did over the holidays, and how much I have to do for some point this week/early next week. I have a reduced weekend to do most of that work in, since I have a driving lesson first thing on Saturday, and once that's over, I have to go and visit the fucking arse... so doing School work on Saturday is pretty much out of the question.

There was an opportunity to come out first thing today... but it was too daunting. It would've been in front of my form and another Sixth Form form which is full of people I don't know, so it wasn't ideal. I'd rather it be just to my friends at first, and if they decide to tell people I'm gay, then I don't mind... I just need to tell them it first. :/

I should really have weighed myself first thing as well, but forgot. I want to lose weight, and the only way of knowing if I've succeeded, is if I weigh myself every week and notice a downward trend. Well, judging my the amount I've eaten so far this year, it's not looking good. I think I've put the weight I want to lose on, about 5 times over...

I'm not really sure what to write, right now. I've been full of inconsequent ramblings over the holidays, and let it all out on here that I now genuinely don't have a clue what to talk about. Still haven't decided which instrument I want to learn. Nor have I gone any further with actually applying to sit my Grade 5 Theory and Grade 6 Piano exams. Although, it's probably a good idea to learn the songs before I apply to take the exams, and for that I need the sheet music. And for that, I need money. And for that, I need a job. And when you do the IB, it's impossible to do a job at the same time (unless it's a job that pays you to sit behind a desk and do school work, which, as far as I am aware, doesn't exist.)

Actually, forget what I just wrote about not knowing what to write (that sentence really made sense, didn't it....) I need to complain about my dad's Christmas present to me.... it was a weird book that he knows I'm never going to read cos it's not my type of book. I'm not even going to bother asking him where he got the money from to buy it, since he's (apparently) been living off of unemployment and incapacity benefits for the last five years, has no income, and has his parents pay his rent for the flat below theirs (and he doesn't even go and visit them, even though his Mum has terminal Leukaemia). He's probably stolen it from some poor sod. Maybe his parents, it wouldn't surprise me. He's stolen over £300 from me before, but I have no way of proving it. In any case, I find it hard to believe that he's constantly complaining about having no money to spare, not a penny, yet every time I see him he can magic a £20 note into my hand/buy me some stupid and useless present I'm never going to use cos it's for a three year old. If that doesn't send theft-alarm bells ringing, I don't know what does....

Anyway, I'm tired, and I have a long day at school tomorrow, with probably more homework I forgot/surprise tests or something unpleasent like that to start the New Year off with....

And there was me thinking 2011 was going to be nice to me. :/

Day 1

So, is this the day I pull my finger out and put these New Year's resolutions into motion?

Damn, I thought it would never come!

Actually, I s'pose it's a good thing. I'm feeling optimistic about being able to come out at some point this year. Not quite as optimistic about losing weight, or getting a boyfriend, or whatever else is on the New Year's Resolutions page.... I reckon I'm confident enough. I just need to find the right moment. I've been toying with the idea of just setting my interests on Facebook to 'Men' (it's currently nothing), and seeing what the reaction is, but the problem with that is that people may think that I've been Fraped... which of course I'd never let happen.

It's always far too much effort to bring the topic of sexuality up in conversation, I find. But maybe that's cos I'm lazy.... :/ I'll sleep on it.

Speaking of sleep, that's right what I need, cos I've got a long journey home tomorrow... G'night.

Happy New Year...

2011 STARTS HERE!