Cos it's my 'brother''s birthday today. And Happy Birthday to him as well. And anybody who reads this regularly (who am I kidding - the one person who reads this regularly) will know that he's not my brother, and will also know that I have a bit of a thing for him. I'm in love with him, I'm not afraid to admit it. And I think (hope) he knows that I am as well. And he's cool with it, he doesn't mind, cos at the end of the day, he's straight, I'm gay, we both know that I'm never gonna be able to fuck him. But he's the only person I feel like myself around - him and his family. I can be who I am around them, without fear of being stereotyped, or abused, or bullied..... they're like the family I never had.
Now, don't get me wrong, I still love my Mum, no matter how much she annoys or embarrasses me. But right now I find my family really stressful, and his family so awesomely relaxed, and relaxing. I can talk to his mum and her boyfriend about anything I want to, and have a laugh about it, and not worry about Mum not understanding me, or taking it all too seriously, like she always does. Her parents aren't exactly the most relaxing and easy-going people to be around (hell, they argue about which one of them is going to die first, how sick is that?), and my Aunts and their husbands are just so stressful to be around. One of them knows everything better and has to constantly correct you in front of friends and family and total strangers, making you just want to melt away into the realm of the non-existing, while the other has to know where everybody is and what every movement is, while at the same time complaining that her part time job in a shop is too stressful for her on top of walking four dogs, feeding them, taking them to the vets at the first sign of a minuscule cough, and making sure the cat is inside between this time and that time. If that's stress, I'd have that any day....
So yeah, my family don't particularly excite me right now. Maybe it's a phase, I don't know, but if it is a phase, then it's been going on for a long time now.
So I feel at home at his house. I feel welcome and comfortable when I'm at his house. Perhaps to the extent, where I'm now thinking I've attached myself too much to him, because I know that he'll never ask me out, except as a joke when he's had a few beers, or as a dare amongst friends. And I know that if I ask him out he'll say no anyway. But I don't think I'd be happy with anyone else BUT him...... so why should I have to come out? I know that
Does that sound really obsessive?
Probably.
I think maybe he's cottoned on to the fact that I like him in that way, and is trying to distance himself a little from me.... I just sent him a text to say Happy Birthday, only a few seconds after I wrote on his wall on Facebook to say the same thing, and he replied to say thanks, he'll check Facebook when he gets home, he's not at home. I can't help but feel a little rejected, that he doesn't want me. It hurts to think that he chose to spend his Birthday with somebody else other than me.... again. He didn't want me there last year either. I take some comfort in the fact knowing that last year, he spent his birthday alone, with his sister, his mum and her boyfriend. Although, maybe that was the best thing for him at the time, he was feeling quite depressed for his 16th....
Now, my rational, reasonable half of my brain is telling me that most of what I've just said is a load of bullshit. Of all the people he invited to his celebratory lunch on Wednesday, I was the only one he asked to come earlier than everybody else and asked to sleep over. Which of course I did. I also have no idea where he is and who he's with - for all I know his mum took him somewhere nice for a 'last day of being 16 dinner' and is on his way back; he never actually told me he was at a friend's house. Maybe he's spending his birthday with his dad (poor soul), who doesn't live with him or his mum after he was disloyal, or something like that. And I know he must think of me as someone close, because he told me so when he was at mine, and he poured his little heart out to me when he realised he'd missed an opportunity with a girl he liked. He doesn't do that, he doesn't pour his heart out to anybody who isn't family....
OK, interruption, some guy just posted on his wall to say happy birthday - nice to see you again. My rational half of my brain is telling me that this dude is one of his mum's friends (it would be logical to assume that, since the wall post also mentions something about his mum), but my irrational half of my brain is telling me that he's a friend from his new school that he's chosen to spend his birthday with, rather than me. I know that sounds really selfish, but he's my world, he's the only thing that means anything to me, apart from maybe my music, my pets and mum.
Interruption over.... where was I?
Meh, I can't remember, I lost my trail of thought. I think of things faster than I can type them, half of what I was going to say in this post I forgot before it reached my fingers.
There's a Facebook page, on one of the quote portals (and I know it's terrible to judge anything by a Facebook page) about the signs of falling in love. I read through them and thought that if those signs are true, then I am most definitely more than just in love with him.... It's something like this:
7 Signs of Falling in Love
1. You read his texts over and over again
2. You walk really slowly while you're with him.
3. He is all you can think about.
4. You get high just by smelling him.
5. You realise that you're always smiling when you think of him.
6.You would do anything for him.
7. While reading this, he was on your mind for the whole time.
I didn't like it, because I thought it crude, but all seven of those points are true for me. I'm going somewhere with this.... I just need to think of where....
*sigh*
I think I basically wanted to vent my confusion and say (in a very long winded manner, it has to be said) that what's the point in coming out, if the only boyfriend I might actually end up with, I can never love as much as I love my 'brother'...?
If you want to know how confused I think I am right now, this post took me the best part of an hour to formulate and write.... *sigh*
x
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