I don't really know what to say - nothing's happened. For once in a long long time, I don't actually feel as depressed about being single and more or less in the closet as I have been since I set this blog up. Not quite sure why that is. No doubt that'll change once school starts again next week... I'll look at Jack and think "it's a shame he's straight."
Although, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure he's as straight as he makes out to be (no pun intended). Yeah he's got a girlfriend. But he just seems gay. Or at least, bi-curious. I know that seems like I'm stereotyping, but I'm not - god knows, I hate stereotyping. But my 'gaydar' (for want of a better term) is telling me that he is. Perhaps his constant boasting about his desire to get fucked is part of the reason why I think he's bi-curious. And his almost constant acting gay (here I go again with the stereotypes) - he's forever drawing cocks on tables/books/hands. The other day (well, not the other day, it was in January when I came out to India, Akiko and Lisa) Akiko had printed a picture of some Japanese band she's into and asked each of us in turn which one of them we'd "do." Out of the three girls and one guy in the picture, Jack instantly pointed to the dude and said something along the lines of "he's completely fuckable."
So yeah, I'm not sure about him. All I know is that I would definitely be willing to help him fulfil his desire :D *evil laugh*
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Monday, 15 August 2011
The last two months
Well.... a lot's happened. Possibly the biggest thing that has happened is the fact that me and Will are no longer together. We never went on that date - possibly because I realised that he just wasn't 'the one'. He's too ruthless for me. Which sounds really brutal, but I don't know how else to put it. He's one of those people who drops anybody he's bored with and moves on.
When we went into London for a theatre trip with school, we got the same train there and back, and he was telling me how he managed to get one person (coincidently, it was my ex) to leave the school because he bullied him so much. He told me how he successfully managed to get one girl to not be friends with his friends. That attitude blew it for me. Any chance we had together now doesn't exist, because I don't want to be his new target. I don't want a boyfriend who chooses other people's friends. I don't want a boyfriend who makes a mess of things, drops it, moves on and leaves someone else to pick up the pieces. Sorry. He's obviously not the boyfriend I'm looking for.
So that's that. We still talk, and we're on friendly terms, but when he inevitably drops me like he has so many others, it won't hurt quite as much if we're simply friends, than if we're in a full-on relationship.
I can't remember if I mentioned me being in the school play, but I was, and that went brilliantly. I had (even the directors said so) the most lines and the most challenging character, and possibly the most prompts too, but the number of prompts I had don't compare to the fantastic experience it was. I want to do it all over again, and I'll probably cry a little when the audition posters go up next year and I realise I won't be able to be in it. I keep telling myself 'it'll be nice to be able to go into the auditorium next year and not know what to expect', but for me, the knowing and keeping it secret and performing it is so much more fun and memorable than simply watching it.
The Bassoon's progressing.... I gave up on the oboe, because I kept getting dizzy - too much air pressure on the brain, I guess.
Mum now officially knows that I'm at least spending my gap year with my brother in London somewhere - neither of us know whereabouts in London yet, but that's where we'll be. She also knows that I'm considering studying in England too. I know last time I was on the topic of University, I moaned about the £9,000pa not being worth it, but we've had plenty of talks on student finance, and I'm not too fussed about it any more - I wouldn't consider it a debt anyway, if the money comes out of my account automatically and I never see the money I owe in the first place, then I never think about having to repay the money, so that's all good. I'm looking at a Joint Honours in Music and Film Studies, which all looks very exciting.
Hmmmm what else? Apart from meeting David Tennant and Catherine Tate at the signing after Much Ado About Nothing (I have the script they used and they've touched it, and signed it and I'm like OMG!!!!!!! :D:D), nothing new or of any interest.
xx
When we went into London for a theatre trip with school, we got the same train there and back, and he was telling me how he managed to get one person (coincidently, it was my ex) to leave the school because he bullied him so much. He told me how he successfully managed to get one girl to not be friends with his friends. That attitude blew it for me. Any chance we had together now doesn't exist, because I don't want to be his new target. I don't want a boyfriend who chooses other people's friends. I don't want a boyfriend who makes a mess of things, drops it, moves on and leaves someone else to pick up the pieces. Sorry. He's obviously not the boyfriend I'm looking for.
So that's that. We still talk, and we're on friendly terms, but when he inevitably drops me like he has so many others, it won't hurt quite as much if we're simply friends, than if we're in a full-on relationship.
I can't remember if I mentioned me being in the school play, but I was, and that went brilliantly. I had (even the directors said so) the most lines and the most challenging character, and possibly the most prompts too, but the number of prompts I had don't compare to the fantastic experience it was. I want to do it all over again, and I'll probably cry a little when the audition posters go up next year and I realise I won't be able to be in it. I keep telling myself 'it'll be nice to be able to go into the auditorium next year and not know what to expect', but for me, the knowing and keeping it secret and performing it is so much more fun and memorable than simply watching it.
The Bassoon's progressing.... I gave up on the oboe, because I kept getting dizzy - too much air pressure on the brain, I guess.
Mum now officially knows that I'm at least spending my gap year with my brother in London somewhere - neither of us know whereabouts in London yet, but that's where we'll be. She also knows that I'm considering studying in England too. I know last time I was on the topic of University, I moaned about the £9,000pa not being worth it, but we've had plenty of talks on student finance, and I'm not too fussed about it any more - I wouldn't consider it a debt anyway, if the money comes out of my account automatically and I never see the money I owe in the first place, then I never think about having to repay the money, so that's all good. I'm looking at a Joint Honours in Music and Film Studies, which all looks very exciting.
Hmmmm what else? Apart from meeting David Tennant and Catherine Tate at the signing after Much Ado About Nothing (I have the script they used and they've touched it, and signed it and I'm like OMG!!!!!!! :D:D), nothing new or of any interest.
xx
I'm Back!
And with a new look blog too!
So I realise it's been over 3 months since I last posted, and a busy three months it's been. Finally started Bassoon lessons, am single again, still no further in coming out to the rest of the world, but surprisingly, not too depressed.
I'll post more later on tonight, but just thought I'd let you know that despite my lack of posts, I haven't forgotten about the blog!! :D
xxxxxxxx
So I realise it's been over 3 months since I last posted, and a busy three months it's been. Finally started Bassoon lessons, am single again, still no further in coming out to the rest of the world, but surprisingly, not too depressed.
I'll post more later on tonight, but just thought I'd let you know that despite my lack of posts, I haven't forgotten about the blog!! :D
xxxxxxxx
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
He doesn't acknowledge me.
*feels depressed*
So it was the first proper day back at school in like, forever. The Easter holidays, the bank holidays, and yesterday was a non-pupil day, so I haven't actually seen Will since I asked him out... TWO WEEKS AGO?!?! Really?? That doesn't seem right.
But yeah, I realise that we haven't gone public about us yet, and maybe he'll look at me once we do and I'm probably making mountains out of molehills...... but he was in every lesson with me today.... and he barely looked at me twice. WHY?????? Is he just taking the piss? Does he want to go out with me or not? Surely the least he could do is say 'hi' to me when we pass each other in the corridor or in lessons?
Help me? What should I do? We both agreed that we weren't going to go on our date until after his exams had finished.... but that's not 'til the middle of JUNE!!!!
So it was the first proper day back at school in like, forever. The Easter holidays, the bank holidays, and yesterday was a non-pupil day, so I haven't actually seen Will since I asked him out... TWO WEEKS AGO?!?! Really?? That doesn't seem right.
But yeah, I realise that we haven't gone public about us yet, and maybe he'll look at me once we do and I'm probably making mountains out of molehills...... but he was in every lesson with me today.... and he barely looked at me twice. WHY?????? Is he just taking the piss? Does he want to go out with me or not? Surely the least he could do is say 'hi' to me when we pass each other in the corridor or in lessons?
Help me? What should I do? We both agreed that we weren't going to go on our date until after his exams had finished.... but that's not 'til the middle of JUNE!!!!
This is just too surreal for words.
Everything seems to have happened at the speed of light recently, and I've totally forgotten about this cyber diary I find myself keeping. Since my last post, I no longer find myself single, but finally in a relationship (with the guy who beat me to Head Boy, funnily enough), yet still hardly any closer to officially coming out of the closet.
What do I call my new boyfriend?? I think I'll settle for Will... As it sounds a little bit like willy and one very famous will got married over the weekend (three guesses who).
I never used to like him. We mucked around with each other once or twice when we were younger, but nothing serious - and everytime we did, he wouldn't talk to me for ages afterwards. He'd be really rude to me... Maybe because he knew that we were both gay and competing against each other to getting a boyfriend first. So we're probably both as surprised as each other that we're going out eith each other.
I first realised I liked him in that sort of way maybe the middle of November, just before I set this blog up. I didn't think he liked me too. Well, who's to say he doesn't?? I asked him out - albeit after he started flirting with me on Facebook. He said he was lonely and tired of being single, and I just consoled him.... It was obvious (I think) that he wanted me to ask him out, but he didn't have the courage to do so with me. But I asked him if he wanted to go out for a drink at somepoint, he said yes and now I'm waiting to set the date. This was in Easter Sunday.
Sorry, hang on - *shifts cat off of keyboard* - much better I can see you now. Where was I? Oh yeah.
The day I asked him, I was probably blinded by adrenaline... I felt so excited that I had the courage to ask a guy out - to have him accept was just a bonus I wasn't expecting. But now it's worn off... I'm not sure about it anymore. I mean, I like him, but it's more of a "I like you as a friend" sort of like, rather than a fancy-the-pants-off-of like. I'm not sure I love him. My heart belongs to someone else... And sadly he's straight. You know who I'm on about, I don't need to say it.
Mum's been annoyingly embarrassing again lately. She thinks she has to comment on everything, just because she seems to love the sound of her own voice. She just will not shut up! She drives me mad... I still haven't told her that I'm not planning to move back to Germany eith her. In fact; me and my brother have decided that once I've finished school, we're goingto flatshare. She doesn't know about that yet either.
I'm scarred I'm losing contact with her. With every day that passes, I feel I have to get out of her hair. I look forward to the days when she's away on business - peace and quiet, with nobody dictating my life or telling me what to do, except for a daily 15 minute phone call that I dont really need to listen to. I'm ready to move out, I think..... Just not sure if she's ready to be completely alone...
What do I call my new boyfriend?? I think I'll settle for Will... As it sounds a little bit like willy and one very famous will got married over the weekend (three guesses who).
I never used to like him. We mucked around with each other once or twice when we were younger, but nothing serious - and everytime we did, he wouldn't talk to me for ages afterwards. He'd be really rude to me... Maybe because he knew that we were both gay and competing against each other to getting a boyfriend first. So we're probably both as surprised as each other that we're going out eith each other.
I first realised I liked him in that sort of way maybe the middle of November, just before I set this blog up. I didn't think he liked me too. Well, who's to say he doesn't?? I asked him out - albeit after he started flirting with me on Facebook. He said he was lonely and tired of being single, and I just consoled him.... It was obvious (I think) that he wanted me to ask him out, but he didn't have the courage to do so with me. But I asked him if he wanted to go out for a drink at somepoint, he said yes and now I'm waiting to set the date. This was in Easter Sunday.
Sorry, hang on - *shifts cat off of keyboard* - much better I can see you now. Where was I? Oh yeah.
The day I asked him, I was probably blinded by adrenaline... I felt so excited that I had the courage to ask a guy out - to have him accept was just a bonus I wasn't expecting. But now it's worn off... I'm not sure about it anymore. I mean, I like him, but it's more of a "I like you as a friend" sort of like, rather than a fancy-the-pants-off-of like. I'm not sure I love him. My heart belongs to someone else... And sadly he's straight. You know who I'm on about, I don't need to say it.
Mum's been annoyingly embarrassing again lately. She thinks she has to comment on everything, just because she seems to love the sound of her own voice. She just will not shut up! She drives me mad... I still haven't told her that I'm not planning to move back to Germany eith her. In fact; me and my brother have decided that once I've finished school, we're goingto flatshare. She doesn't know about that yet either.
I'm scarred I'm losing contact with her. With every day that passes, I feel I have to get out of her hair. I look forward to the days when she's away on business - peace and quiet, with nobody dictating my life or telling me what to do, except for a daily 15 minute phone call that I dont really need to listen to. I'm ready to move out, I think..... Just not sure if she's ready to be completely alone...
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
RIP Elisabeth Sladen
I've never met her, I've never spoken to her, I was more of a casual viewer when it came to The Sarah Jane Adventures and the closest I've ever been come to seeing her was through a TV screen on Doctor Who. Yet somehow, her death has touched and moved me beyond belief.
Maybe it was because she has such a legacy about her, and still so much more to give. Cancer is a cruel thing to suffer from - it rips lives apart, quite literally. It destroys people, and when its done, it just moves on and finds its next victim. She was so talented, and from what I've heard, so lovely and friendly. Such a shame that such a wonderful talent had to be brought crashing to the floor by a few mutinous cells.
I think it's more fear that I'm suffering from right now, than grief. I'm not grieving for her - I never knew her. Obviously it's saddening that she has died so unexpectedly (for the public, at least) and had her talent cruelly taken from her, but the fact that she died of Cancer, that unstoppable killing machine, makes me scared for the people I love. What's to stop them from developing cancer? Anybody could, there's no way of telling who gets it. My Mum's friend had it about 6 years ago. Thankfully, she's since been given the all-clear, and is able to get on with her life, but it's made me think.... not everybody is so lucky.
I must make it my mission to watch her episodes of Doctor Who, particularly those from the 70s, when she was the companion. And then I should like to watch The Sarah Jane Adventures, just for good measure.
RIP.
-----///\\-----Please
----///-\\\----Put This
---|||---|||---On Your
---|||---|||---Profile If
---|||---|||---You Know
----\\\-///----Someone
-----\\///-----Who Died
------///\-----Of, or had
-----///\\\----Cancer
----///-- \\\---
Monday, 18 April 2011
Sorry for the break
Wow I've neglected this blog a bit haven't I?? Sorry about that.
Not that you've missed anything much. Mum's still sounding like a stuck record, complaining about her sister and mum and how they treat her like a child. Speaking of whom, I have to go and stay with them next weekend for my nan's 80-somethingth birthday. I really don't wanna go :(
My cousin's girlfriend is stressing everybody out right now. She has some sort of mental condition, I'm not sure what, and she was due to go into hospital to sort herself out thekther day, but then she dropped everything and went for some weird exorcism in Zurich, much to the disapproval of my entire family, not to mention my cousin. Yeah, theyre the ones who were annoying me over Christmas because they were making out at the dinner table, and rubbing it into me that I STILL dont have a boyfriend. But mum keeps going on about how sad it is for the two of them, and how difficult everyone must be finding it, blah de bloody blah, and all I wanna do is watch a film or a DVD.
Anyway. We've succesfully moved house and I'm sincerely hoping that my 'brother' comes round soon -- I haven't seen him since his birthday do nearly two months ago and I'm really starting to miss him. I guess this is what it'll be like when I start uni abroad (simply cos the costs of studying here aren't worth it).
Speaking of uni, I think I may have found myself a bassoon teacher... Though still haven't decided if I'm going to learn that or the oboe. I like both. What d'you reckon?? Though I think itll definitely be the bassoon if I don't find an oboe teacher soon!!
Better go -- I'm on my phone and this keyboard is driving me mad at 2 in the morning! Talk soon
Xx
Not that you've missed anything much. Mum's still sounding like a stuck record, complaining about her sister and mum and how they treat her like a child. Speaking of whom, I have to go and stay with them next weekend for my nan's 80-somethingth birthday. I really don't wanna go :(
My cousin's girlfriend is stressing everybody out right now. She has some sort of mental condition, I'm not sure what, and she was due to go into hospital to sort herself out thekther day, but then she dropped everything and went for some weird exorcism in Zurich, much to the disapproval of my entire family, not to mention my cousin. Yeah, theyre the ones who were annoying me over Christmas because they were making out at the dinner table, and rubbing it into me that I STILL dont have a boyfriend. But mum keeps going on about how sad it is for the two of them, and how difficult everyone must be finding it, blah de bloody blah, and all I wanna do is watch a film or a DVD.
Anyway. We've succesfully moved house and I'm sincerely hoping that my 'brother' comes round soon -- I haven't seen him since his birthday do nearly two months ago and I'm really starting to miss him. I guess this is what it'll be like when I start uni abroad (simply cos the costs of studying here aren't worth it).
Speaking of uni, I think I may have found myself a bassoon teacher... Though still haven't decided if I'm going to learn that or the oboe. I like both. What d'you reckon?? Though I think itll definitely be the bassoon if I don't find an oboe teacher soon!!
Better go -- I'm on my phone and this keyboard is driving me mad at 2 in the morning! Talk soon
Xx
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